Thank God the Holidays Are Over

Three more weeks until the spring semester begins. Usually I'm completely bored at this point, but I'm actually not. For once I am enjoying doing nothing but pleasing myself. It's quite a change, I must admit.

In the past I found myself wanting to be apart of the New Year's Eve festivities and never going anywhere, but this year I was actually invited to something but I declined. It has occurred to me that I may be completely off my rocker for declining, but I don't regret doing so. You see, here is my dilemma. I was invited to go out with some people that I grew up with. We grew up in church together since we were babies and then eventually most of us went to the same high school. Pretty much, we were inseparable. Well, we used to have almost everything in common back then, but now we don't. I haven't seen any of them in a year or more and today I got a text message asking if I wanted to join them for New Year festivities tonight. Well, I declined without even thinking twice about it. This is my main problem with holidays. Everyone always sees it as a time to reconnect with people from their past, but why holidays? I thought holidays were for current family and friends, not to make old connections just because it's a "special" time of year. But why not any other day of the year? No, they choose this one day, this stupid day, to talk to me because they think they have a reason. They have no reason. I mean, where do people get this stuff? I kind of see it as ruining my holiday when people who haven't talked to me in over a year just automatically assume I'm going to want to hang out with them on the biggest party night of the year. Really? No, I think it's them that's off their rockers. I mean, come on. That's freaking retarded.

First Query

I recently bought the new Narnia movie, so my mom and I sat down to watch it last night. Well she hadn't watched the first one since it came out so we ended up watching both so she would know what was going on. We concluded our movie fest about 10:30pm and then I had an itch to write. I have already begun the sequal to Under the Full Moon so I worked on that. I got up at about 11:30pm to stretch a little and then I resumed writing. The next time I looked at the clock it was 2:00am. Needless to say, I had an awesome scene to write.
So after waking up around noon today, I managed to complete my second draft of Porfearia. I also sent off my first query letter! Of course, I don't expect a reply until after the second week in January because I am sure she is on vacation, but nonetheless I finally managed to get it the way I wanted. I hope I don't sound boring.

Who Cares!

I cannot say it enough: there is just not enough time in the day.
I find myself constantly busy these days and I absolutely love it because it keeps me focused. Focused on my own work, but not on my school work. Of course, I won't have any school work until January 21, but still, I won't be able to concentrate much then either. I find my writing is much more important to me than school these days. Repeatedly I find myself having the same conversation: my classes teach me nothing useful other than what dead guys think and believe. That is all fine and dandy, but what about what I think? Oh silly me, no one is interested in what I think. Oh but they will when I'm dead, that's for sure. So pretty much, my opinion and life won't matter until I'm dead, which is when I won't have a life anymore so ... the world is on crack. At least, that's my opinion.
But don't read this now, read this when I'm dead.


Ending Death Toll for Under the Full Moon:
1 human death turned into transformation
2 hunters killed because they killed the wrong person
1 human killed because I got bored
1 vamp killed because he killed the previous one
1 human killed for their blood
Total: 5/6

Two Down ... Infinity to Go

Turns out, I ended up splitting Under the Full Moon in half. I finished chapter six, halfway through the book I originally planned, last night and my word count was just over 85K. So times that by two and you get a lot of freaking words in one book. I planned for a sequal also, but it would be nowhere near the caliber of this novel. So I thought, why not have a trilogy instead? So I think I will. So pretty much, I just finished my second novel!

Now it's on to editing Porfearia, or finishing editing it I should say. Then I think I'm going to edit Under the Full Moon in January, getting it ready for Amazon's Novel competition in February.

Porfearia

I was having doubts about the title of my first novel. It was A Disease Without a Cure, but would people really remember that? It doesn't stand out very well and I've always thought that one word titles roll off the tongue easier and are more likely to be shared. So try this one on for size ... Porfearia ... my brother came up with it. Technically, my story is a spin off the "Vampire Disease," Porphyria. So, there we are. I really like it and the cover I made looks splendid.

The Gift of Foresight

It's always difficult to know the future, or even to merely guess what will happen. I've always wanted the power of foresight, but now I'm not so sure. What if this is the happiest I'll ever be, compared to my future that is. I really hope not because, yes I love where I am at the present time, but I would also like something more.

I'm 20K away from my goal for Under the Full Moon. The funny thing, I've only completed four chapters out of twelve. It's definitely going to be way more than 100K, which is a lot more than I figured on. See what I mean about knowing the future? Silly me, thinking Andria and Evan can save the human world in only 100K. I must be nuts.

The current known death toll is one, but the full moon brought him back to life. Plenty of death and destruction to come though, don't you fret.

-------->

I added a word meter, which represents my progress of my second novel. So far, I'm hitting my daily goals with ease. I hope it stays that way.

I'm also right in the middle of editing my first novel - from NaNoWriMo - and it's going quite well I think. Now all I have to do is either establish some connections in the publishing world, or send out a query letter. Although I wouldn't do the second option until I was completely satisfied with The Disease Without a Cure.

That's my life right now.

December

The rest of December and the beginning of January are going to be slightly hectic for me. I just finished a job over this past weekend, which commanded my almost 24-hour attention. Then Sunday night and yesterday I finished critiquing two novels for some NaNo friends. And to think, finals were just over on Friday and I have already finished all of that. I haven't been that busy in a long time, but I liked it. Especially the critiquing part. Now, I'm going to concentrate on hitting my daily word count again so that I can hit my 100K goal by January, finally finishing my second novel. Other than that, I'll also be assisting to edit the novels I have just finished critiquing. They were both so amazing too. I just can't seem to get them out of my head. They both caused me to want to believe in love again, but I just can't seem to go that far. Interesting, I'm sure you're thinking. But that's right, I don't believe in love. Technically, I don't believe human emotions are capable to love the way it is supposed to be, but I do believe we love according to the earthly definition, not that I am very fond of it. Either way though, whatever makes you happy.

Do I Connect? ... No.

I understand that people are who they are for certain reasons, whatever those reasons may be, but what happens when you don't fit correctly with anyone? And sure, I'm not going to connect with everyone I meet, but at least one guy would be nice - preferably a guy who gives me butterflies too. Is that asking too much? Really though, am I just so "different" from everyone else that it's just too difficult to find a right fit for me? I guess I can understand that, seeing as how I've always thought that my mind functions a lot differently than everyone else's. But I could be wrong there as well. Who's to really know? Hmm, I stumped myself on that one, that's for sure. I just want someone who not necessarily shares my passions, but just understands them. I also understand that I don't conform well to other people's passions either, but usually I find other people's interests to be a waste of time. I mean, really ... the world is pretty messed up and backwards if you think about it. But I'm a little tired of being the odd one out. I mean, where's my connecting puzzle piece?

Perfect Insanity - Evan

My eyes were so heavy I could barely tell what I was reading. I sat in the cafeteria before school, looking over my government notes one final time before I had to take the test in first period.
Even though I had stayed up all night studying, I still didn’t know the material well enough, but it would be enough to pass.

I leaned back in the chair I was sitting in and stared out the window I was facing, willing the bright sun to revive me. Next time I’ll have to remember I have a test.

I looked at the big clock near the ceiling to check the time. I better get to class.

Standing, I gathered my things off the table and stored them in my backpack. I turned around to push in my chair and that’s when I saw her.

She was walking down the main hall just as normal as ever, except that she had earphones in her ears. That may not be abnormal, but people usually use their out-of-class time wisely such as talking to their friends, but she didn’t greet anyone nor did she look at anyone. Her eyes were focused straight ahead, yet she seemed to be in another world. I’ve never seen a girl so enthralled by music that it keeps her from social interaction. But that wasn’t what caught my initial attention.

She was beautiful. Yes, a lot of girls are beautiful, especially the ones who try their hardest to be so, but she was a natural beauty.

Her skin was creamy, deathly white and her hair was a long, silky, deep black. Her face was round, the type of round that makes you want to cup your hands around the sides just for the feeling. Her entire body was slender, yet curvy. Her baggy black pants weren’t formfitting like her dark burgundy t-shirt, but they still flattered her.

Josh came up to me just then, causing me to look away from the beautiful creature.

“Evan. Ready for that Gov test?” He asked.

I looked back towards the hall, finding her almost immediately. “Who is that?” I asked Josh, not removing my focus.

Josh followed my gaze. “Uh, Andria Marcellus, I’m pretty sure. Dude, we’re gonna be late again.”

Andria Marcellus.

Josh and I walked out of the cafeteria and into the crowded main hallway. I looked for Andria, but apparently she was too far ahead and the crowd was too thick for me to see her.
I followed Josh into our government class, not being able to remove her from my thoughts. Not wanting to remove her from my thoughts.

Mr. Brown closed the door after us and immediately began handing out the test. I looked my copy of the test over and realized all my late night studying didn’t matter anymore. The only subject that
occupied my mind was Andria Marcellus.

I went to the restroom after I had finished the test. I thought splashing cold water on my face would allow me to regain a healthy frame of mind, one that didn’t revolve around a girl I had never actually met.

I stood over the sink, facing the mirror. My reflection was normal: white kid, almost six foot, green eyes, and short black hair. But my insides were squirming. I felt as if every feeling I was experiencing was clearly visible to everyone else, but I guess I was wrong. Although when I looked at myself I saw desperation. I had never needed or wanted anyone so desperately before, as desperately as I needed and wanted Andria.

I splashed water on my face and went to head out the door to my next class, but I knocked into someone I hadn’t known was there.

“Sorry man, I wasn’t paying attention,” I apologized. He didn’t seem to hear me nor did he seem to care that I had bumped into him. I realized I had never seen him before and he was definitely not a 40-year-old high school student. He also had the same eyes as Andria and that factor alone made me nervous. I tried to get around him and out the door but before I could he leaned toward me. I tried to back away, but he grabbed me by the shoulders.

The next thing I knew I was standing over the same sink I had been at moments before. Then I remembered I was going to class.

Under the Full Moon, Here I Come

Now that NaNo is over, I have time to get back to what I was working on before. Don't get me wrong though, I l-o-v-ed working on The Disease Without a Cure, but it is time to move on and let other people read my first draft while I go back to my first project. So my goal at the present time is to finish this novel as well. 100K is my goal, seeing as how I already have 50K and I'm not even halfway through. I mean seriously, each chapter is 50+ pages. Haha. I freaking LOVE this book. I really do. My characters are amazing and everyone's true personality is just starting to surface as the storyline heats itself up! Oooh I can't wait to see what happens!

I am also about to begin reading/critiquing/editing two other people's NaNo novels. I'm really excited about that because helping other people with their stories is my second favorite thing to do. So pretty much, that's what I'll be doing until the Spring semester.

BTW, the Fall semester is over! I only have one final and it is on Friday. Woopie!

WINNER

It's official ...

I finally finished today, two days ahead of the deadline!

Freakin' Insane

So you wanna know something? ... Life is freaking nuts ... and I'm not talking about the literal, physical nut you eat on an airplane (which, btw, they don't give out anymore unless you pay for them ... cheap bastards). But really, like is freakin' crazy. I remember telling myself one time that I loved the way my life, as a roller coaster, used to be the scariest yet most thrilling ride I had ever been on, but now that I am here in this place in my life I'm so freaking bored. Isn't that nuts? One day I'm a senior in high school, engaged, and the next I'm a Junior in college, single, writing a novel in a month. I don't know about you, but that's a lot of change in three years. Don't get me wrong though, I don't take back anything I have done because it has molded me into the person I am today, but I do wish that I had dragged my friends along the way. I used to have a "crew" and look at me now, I'm a freaking hermit with two friends who rarely hang out aside from study groups. It's true, we all have our own lives - I have my writing, friend one has her awesome job, and friend two has a kid. What more could I ask for? Lol, that wasn't a question that actually needed an answer. But seriously, freaking nuts, right?

So I'm sitting here in the black abyss that is my room, tucked under my new flannel sheets from LL Bean, and I'm thinking to myself ... how am I going to instigate a subplot into my novel without it sounding too cliche? Seriously, that's all I think about - NaNoWriMo. Please someone find me a boyfriend lol. Not really, I don't have time, but thanks anyway. I would just be super duper joyous if all of my friends moved to my town instead of living across the world. Thanks Santa, I'll leave that one to you.

Chapter Five - Emily (cont.)

[Here is the continuation of yesterday's excerpt. Remember, it's not edited.]



Dracula nodded in understanding. He opened the heavy wooden door using its metal handle. It swung open without any sound, mimicking the vampire mannerisms.

After opening the door, Dracula stepped aside to allow Neroma to enter before himself. Dracula followed after her and shut the wooden door behind him.

Before them, two humans sat on the cold stone floor. Their wrists and ankles were clasped in irons which were chained to the stone wall behind them.

The human on the left was a thin woman who looked about eighteen years of age. She had long black hair and pale skin, but not as pale as her visitors. The dress she wore was a dark green and would have reached her ankles if she stood up to her full height. It had been buttoned up the back with delicate fingers that were not her own. There were tear stains on the girl’s face and her cheeks were dirty. Her hands and feet were covered in blood. She had struggled so defiantly with the shackles themselves that she made her wrists and ankles bleed. She was most likely the one who had been heard screaming.

The human on the right was a female as well who looked about twenty years of age. She had long brown hair and somewhat tanned skin. She also wore a dress about the same length, but hers was not as fancy as the dark green the other girl wore. This girl’s dress was a light brown which resembled the color of the soil, it had patches in a few places, and the hem was so dirty it was almost black. There were no tear stains on her face and her body was free of blood. She had not struggled as far as the surface was concerned.

“You will choose one,” Neroma began, “and you will change her. This is your cure.”

Dracula was still appraising the two females on the floor before him. He did not notice their beauty, nor how the second girl’s beauty out weighed the other’s.

Neroma turned Dracula’s face to look upon hers.

“Choose one and change her,” Neroma repeated.

“I do not know how Neroma, please guide me.” Dracula said.

Neroma let her hand fall from under his face as she turned to face the women on the floor.

“Pick the one to change first,” Neroma began to guide him.

Dracula studied each of them, but still surpassed their beauty because Neroma was the only woman in the world to him.

He noticed the first woman’s aristocratic manner of her dress compared to the second woman’s dirty garden dress. By simply looking into their faces, Dracula could tell that the first was spoiled and selfish. Dracula did not think she would make a good addition to Neroma’s coven. Neroma’s coven was hard working and devoted, but this girl would not be either of the two.

The second woman’s manner was the opposite of the firsts. She looked to be a hard worker, especially with her hands. Her face was firm and she had not cried out as far as anyone knew.

“Pick me!” The first woman shouted. “Please! I want to live.”

Dracula’s gave did not shift from the second woman’s figure; she had not flinched or shown any emotion when the other woman had cried out. She was not afraid.

Dracula nodded in the second woman’s direction, but to the human’s eyes it could have been directed towards either of them. Neroma knew, unlike the humans, which one Dracula had picked.

“That is a good choice my pet,” Neroma said as she laid a hand on Dracula’s back.

His eyes closed in satisfaction; he had pleased her.

“Me! You must mean me. Who would want her?” The first girl said.

“Silence,” Neroma said.

“Oh thank you, thank you!” The first girl continued.

“Silence!” Neroma’s commanding voice echoed throughout the dungeon and the first girl shrank back against the wall behind her.

“Now dear one, follow my guidance.” Neroma told Dracula.

Dracula nodded.

Neroma lowered her voice so that only Dracula could hear her. “The one you have picked, you will approach her. You will sink your fangs into her as you would prey, but instead of draining her you will leave her barely alive. After you have done this you will cut your own skin, making yourself bleed into her mouth. She will drink of your blood and soon be one of our kind.”

Dracula nodded again.

He waited for barely a second to make sure Neroma had nothing else to add, and then he began walking towards the second woman. She did not show fear, nor did she cry out or plead. Her fate was approaching slowly with each step Dracula took and she did not plan to fight. Destiny was destiny and nothing more nor less.

Dracula bent down near her face.

“This time, it will not hurt.” Dracula said.He was not addressing the second woman, but all of his prey who were now in the afterlife.

Chapter Five - Emily

[Here is an excerpt from my NaNo novel ... please remember it is not edited yet. I would appreciate it if you would keep your negative comments to yourself. Constructive criticism is happily accepted!]


“Follow me,” Neroma said.

She walked past Dracula and into the front entrance hallway. Instead of turning left toward the bend in the hallway and the black marble staircase, Neroma went straight across from the parlor.

Dracula had been this way only once because it led to the kitchens where blood was stored for emergencies. When they entered the hallway Neroma led him straight down and past the kitchens. There was a bend in this hallway as well, but this bend went to the left instead of the right as the other one did.

If Dracula’s mind was not being controlled by the madness and Neroma’s mind control, he would have been curious to see what lay around the bend since he had never been this far down the hallway, but he was not the slightest bit interested.

As they curved with the bend, a staircase leading to a lower level greeted them. Neroma descended the black marble stairs covered in the middle with red carpet and Dracula followed. Darkness greeted them as their footsteps took them lower under the mansion, but it did not affect their journey. The stairway was long and eventually the black marble began to fade out and was replaced, gradually, with cold grey stone.

Once they had reached the bottom, screaming and cries for help greeted their entrance. Neroma led Dracula through the tunnel they had arrived in and they went further under ground as they walked.

The walls were made up of the same grey stones the stairs had been. There were no fancy portraits on these walls, however, but water trickled down in their places. It provided the occasional visitor with a smell of mildew and rot; Dracula did not register this either.

There were also no doors to be seen as of yet, but then there was yet another bend in the passageway. Once they followed its curve they were greeted with a wooden door. Two guards, similar to the ones at the front entrance of the house, stood in front of the door with blank expressions. They too carried axes and spiral metal stakes, but their belts also included at least one rope.

Each guard nodded to Neroma in turn, foregoing the traditional bow so as to not lose their concentration of the duty at hand.

“Leave us,” Neroma told them.

This time they bowed and left the way Neroma and Dracula had come. They took their posts to the top of the stairs instead.

“In here awaits your cure,” Neroma said looking at Dracula.

NaNoWriMo

I just found out about NaNoWriMo yesterday, so I'm already more than a week behind but I thought I would give it a shot anyway. If I don't make the 50,000 words then that's cool, at least I'll have another manuscript to finish. :)


Here is the "summary" for my entry:

For centuries he has been known as Dracula, but what the world doesn't know is that he didn't enjoy it. Night after night he searched for a cure, but never found one. After years of failure and living as an outcast, his mind began to warp into madness, causing him to forget his morality all together and live a life he had always stayed away from.

He still lives among us today without recognition while still trying to find a cure, his madness leading him to be shunned by even the vampire world. His reputation was stemmed from the horror filled minds of the people in his village who had once claimed him as their friend, but had quickly turned their backs and pitchforks on him when he became ill.

Who will help him now? Who will be the one to destroy the madness within his mind and bring his morality back? Anyone, or no one? The madness will destroy him if no one steps up to the challenge.

Oh So Inspired

It's been a few days which isn't really "normal" for me, but I've been completely weighed down with homework and studying. I finally got finished with Freud and will get my paper back on Tuesday, but then I still have to do the Jameson rewrite Tuesday night after class. I have most of that already in production though.

Mom and Dad were out of town most of last week which is another reason I haven't been around. I would like to say I was partying and having a good ol' time, but mostly what I did was homework and laundry. We had another fun study group for Freud. I actually haven't been able to work on my manuscripts in a few weeks, so that is what I've been doing today. I was inspired by Dante's Inferno which we are reading in Lit class and I've been itching to write out my latest ideas. It's turning out great so far, but we'll see how it ends up. I don't want to give away too much, but mostly because I'm paranoid about someone stealing my ideas. Happy weekend.

Complete Blow

Legend of the Seeker ... I have no words. Hollywood strikes again. It positively sucked! Wow, I was utterly depressed. Don't expect me to watch the rest of the season. There were so many things wrong with the entirety that I don't even know where to begin. In fact, I don't even want to begin because my rantings of the differences would take up the entire page. Ugh ... crap.

Legend of the Seeker

I didn't end up doing much last night other than watching "The Covenant" with a friend. Really good movie. I was asleep by 11:20 ... super fun Halloween night right? Oh well. It's actually my favorite "holiday", but I can't ever do what I would like to do. I'm not a Wicce or anything, but I do find Wiccan rituals fascinating.

I got a call from Carter Blood Care today and apparently my blood is awesome and they want more. So here I am about to go donate more blood even though last time was not very enjoyable. But if I were to depreive the needy of my blood for selfish reasons alone, I wouldn't be very humane now would I? It's the least I can do anyway.

Tonight is the premier of Legend of the Seeker and I'm pretty sure it's going to blow because they changed almost everything that Goodkind wrote, but it's still following Xena and Hercules and those were entertaining. I want to tell everyone who hasn't read the books to watch the series tonight, but then they will just be deprived of an amazing story. Hollywood completely botched Richard Cypher's world and it's pretty sad. I will, however, recommend the books to everyone because they are wicked awesome (if you enjoy reading a series of 12 books with 900 pages each).

Hopped Up On Heroine

So writing this Freud paper has been difficult, but I am powering through it while keeping hold of my sanity. Even though Freud considered himself higher than the rest of earth's population (he claimed to dream in language and not pictures like the rest of us and language is a step up from pictures) I still can't help but have a slight respect for him. Afterall, he did take intimate time out of his life to fully develop his dream interpretation theories which some people completely believe. I do not believe in them - partly because he was a druggie and drugs distort your mind - mostly because I have seen different evidence for the reasoning behind dreams which make more sense. If I were to completely take stock in Freud's theories then where would my second manuscript (see first post for original dream) be right now? Probably not as developed as it is, but on the other hand it could have turned into a story about sleeping with my mother (because to Freud every underlying dream meaning is sexual). But no, I don't choose to follow Freud, thus my dream manuscript is being developed in a rational way which isn't psychotic or hopped up on heroine.

Moving on.
I'm excited that HoN was bumped up to #3 right behind Twilight. P.C. and Kristen Cast definitely deserve that high recommendation as authors, although I personally enjoy Zoey over Bella (my opinion, not yours). Zoey is more like how I strive to be and Bella is nowhere near my personality or what I strive to be. If I could take any of Zoey's traits it would be her leadership ability and strength. I've been told that I am a leader, but if that's true then I don't want the job because it makes me feel so uncomfortable. People don't follow me, they just annoy me. But seeing as how the HoN doesn't really exist (shucks) and no one will be biologically transforming into vampires anytime soon I figure it's best to just get through life the easiest way possible: in the shadows.

Are We Really All That Different?

Sometimes it's easy to forgive someone for hurting you, but other times it's not. What sucks is that if you don't forgive them, it's you that hurts from the anger; they don't hurt. A lot of people don't feel guilty for the wrong they do, but why not? I know I always feel guilty even if I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe it's thanks to the environment I grew up in - sheltered Southern Baptist society where everything was wrong - but maybe it's just the way my brain functions. Will we ever really know why people think the way they do? I'm sure theories point to genetics and our environments, but I think it goes deeper than that. I think a lot different than my parents do and I don't readily accept what society accepts. Of course there are always going to be differences, but just how different is everyone really? On the inside probably completely different, like fingerprints, but when you get down to the basics we are all the same: the need for love and acceptance, the need for companionship ... etc. It seems to me that even though we all want to be "different" than everyone else, to "stand out" from the crowd, we are actually striving to be more like the people around us. Think about it: how many times have you hung around one person for an extended period of time (a best friend, family member, etc.) and ended up taking on one or more of their characteristics? I know I have, but I never noticed it until someone pointed out how I reminded them of the person I was spending so much time with. Subconsciously we all want to be like everyone else.

A Change in the Times

I am always amazed at how fast things seem to change. One minute I'm still hung up on my long lost boyfriend who left for Iraq without even a goodbye and the next minute I'm falling for a guy I barely know even though he's claimed for months that he's going to marry me (assumptions like that used to ward me off, but this time it's pretty enticing). I'm enjoying this current loop in my rollercoaster of life and am equally anxious to see what station I will end up in. Usually new guys are exciting to me at first but then I move on quickly because I am successful in finding something I don't like about them, but this time is different all around. I've been casually texting him for about a month and I have yet to lose interest or be annoyed. He's kept a perfect distance - sometimes close, but then distant enough for me to miss his presence in my phone - and is also capable of an interesting conversation. Although there is one bad thing about him: he works with my mom. Which is how I met him actually. He called my mom his future mother-in-law until he gave her his number to give to me one day. We've talked ever since, but not until yesterday did I agree to actually go out with him because of the aforementioned retard of an ex. I'm quite happy as to where my social life is headed.

Continued

This is crazy for me to say, but I've actually missed having friends. I am liking having someone to talk to that doesn't live out of the state. Interesting.

Nothing more today because yesterday's post still stands.

No Freakers Ball For Me

I always hear people say, "No one wants to grow up to be a serial killer or a garbage man," but what about people who make bad grades. Do they want to grow up to "make bad grades?" I don't think so, because why would you want to diminish yourself so? I know I don't like to make bad grades. In fact, I've managed to hold my 3.8 until my junior year, but now (thanks to Textual Analysis and Dr. Frank) I might lose everything I have worked for because of one class. Which, by the way, I have to have to take every other higher level class. But hello? Why is a Graduate professor teaching an Undergraduate class? Please someone explain it to me. By personal opinion of most of the class, she expects way too much for only giving us sophomore level credits. This should be a senior class as far as I'm concerned. Seriously though, if I don't connect with Jameson, in what might have to be an intimate way, I am going to get a C out of this class and if I do I will cry. How threatening right? Well it's threatening to my sanity and health. Am I a little over the top about this? Please tell me.

So what really causes my blood to boil is that if I have to reread forty pages of uninterpretable Jameson this weekend (Frank is giving us an in-class rewrite - yes thank you for that - but way hard), then I will have no free time to work on my manuscripts AND it will diminish any chance of a pretend happy face that I would have put on at my niece's birthday party (only pretend because of her annoyingly nosy adoptive father). And by the way, Freakers Ball is on Halloween ... can't go because of Jameson! What a drag.

Okay enough bitching for today ... off to pass a Latin quiz.

Perfect Insanity

I felt them as they stepped onto the driveway and made their way up. Marcus was the first to enter and Robert the last with the girls in between. I heard Robert take the effort to shut the front door quietly behind him, probably resisting the urge to tear it off the hinges.

“What are you doing?” Marcus asked me in anger as they all filed into my room.

I looked around the room as if I were confused, even though I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“I’m lying down,” I said.

Sarah laughed for a split second before Marcus glared it out of her.

“What the hell were you doing with a human?” Marcus said.

“What did it look like? I was eating lunch.” I said.

I knew I was being a total bee-atch because I had every clue as to what was going on and why everyone was pissed, but at the same time I was using the attitude as a safe guard. I didn’t want their fangs to come out and go all slasher-movie on me.

“This would be different if your intentions were similar to Sarah’s, but I know they aren’t. The way you looked at him followed by all the blushing confirmed my judgment. You know what happens when the secret is exposed. Is that what you want Andi?” Marcus said, his entire body quivering with rage.

“I’m not going to tell anybody anything about us. Just chill out and let me live my life the way I want to. Is that so hard Marcus? Or are you just so used to controlling everything?” I countered.

I was on my feet now, standing in the middle of the mattress. My fists were clenched at my sides. My temper was rising and I couldn’t bring it down. I hardly ever stood up to Marcus about anything, but this wasn’t just anything. This was my future, my happiness. He didn’t understand and wouldn’t understand. Marcus hated humans and I knew deep down that there was nothing I could do to make him see my side.

“I don’t control everything! I know what’s best for all of us, what’s best for what we are. I can’t believe – “

I stopped listening to Marcus and thought of Robert and how he had been quiet the entire time Marcus was chastising me and how he hadn’t spoken up at lunch; his aura had spoken enough. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I faced Robert and realized he hadn’t moved the entire time either. He continued to lean against the wall, glaring at me in disbelief.

“Hold on Marcus.” I interrupted him. “Robert, say what you need to say.”

Robert took a deep breath, hesitated as if he was deciding whether or not to speak up, and walked toward me and away from the wall.

“I had no idea that when you said you were drawn to him that it meant you were going to do something about it.” He said. His voice would have been quiet to a human and it held a slight portion of annoyance and even more disappointment.

“What? Robert you knew about this?” Marcus said, shocked.

He didn’t answer Marcus, but continued to stare at me, pleading in his voice.

“What about your ‘paradise’? You’re always telling me how you can’t stand being around humans more than necessary. We all know that you wear your earphones for a reason. You’re afraid of what might happen. Don’t you think that putting yourself in this situation with this human that you’re going against all of that?” Robert asked.

“I’m doing away with paradise. After being with Evan today, I’m choosing a future guided by bloodlust. Sure his blood calls to me like it does with any human, but he’s not just any human to me. Marcus, I don’t expect you to understand, but Robert I thought you might. At the very least I didn’t expect you to act like this. We’ve been best friends for a long time. Can’t you just be happy for me?” I said.

Marcus scowled in disgust.

“Marcus,” I turned on him, “If you think you can restore the crucial pieces missing from my brain, because you obviously think I’ve lost my mind, then by all means, go ahead. But I don’t think this is that simple. I feel like I’m going insane when I’m not around him, but I can’t do anything about it. He’s the only remedy.” I said in earnest for them to understand.

Sarah came alive at my words.

“Marcus, Robert, you need to leave. Honestly, I don’t see how this even concerns you. It may not concern me or Kelley either but at least we understand the emotional side.” She said.

Robert looked at Marcus and shook his head, stopping Marcus from acting out any more of his rage.

“I’m eating with him again tomorrow by the way,” I told the guys, “so don’t freak out again when you see us.”

Marcus was already out the door before I had finished. He was still too angry to care about anything I said. Before Robert left he looked back at me one final time, anguish flowing in his eyes. I heard him shut the front door quietly behind him leaving me with feelings of shame and torment.

“Thanks Sarah,” I said.

We all fell onto my bed and Sarah started laughing.

“Dude, what’s so funny? He almost ripped my heart out.” I said raising an eyebrow.

“Did you see Marcus’ face? He was about to flip shit.” Sarah said still laughing.

“I think he was flipping shit. If that’s not flipping shit then I don’t know what is.” I said.

“I don’t think he should have been so hard on you,” Kelley chimed in.

This entire time I had forgotten she was even there. How could she have been so quiet? Surely this was a desperate time which called for opinions.

“What do you think about this entire thing Kelley?” I asked.

“You really want my opinion?” Kelley said.

I propped myself up on my right elbow to look at her and I felt Sarah do the same behind me.

“Yes,” I said.

“I think the guys should be more understanding even though I know they won’t be. Like you told Marcus, it’s your life and you deserve to be happy. If this human makes you happy then pursue that bliss. Don’t let Marcus rule your intentions.” She said.

“I agree,” Sarah said nodding.

I laid back down, arms under my head.

“I do too. It’s not Marcus that gets me, it’s Robert. I don’t want to run him out of my life. He’s always been there for me in the past and I feel as if I owe him something for it and that something is my devoted friendship.” I said.

They nodded in agreement.

“So the thing that was my mind is now gone; where did it go and why?” I said.

“It’s still there, but it’s making room for …” Kelley said in search of a name.

“Evan,” I finished for her.

I sighed. When did my life become this complicated?

“Here,” Sarah said pulling her bag onto her lap. “This will make you feel better.”

She handed Kelley and I each a bag of blood and smiled.

“Mmmm, my favorite,” she said.

I couldn’t help but laughing. If Evan were to see this, what would he think? The three of us sat there chatting about who knows what and sipping our pouches of blood until my mom came home.

The Male Mind

Ever since my first crush I had always wondered what guys were thinking, as I'm sure every girl does. I was recently told by a romantic type of guy that men and women think a lot alike when it comes to emotions. But then I've had a manly guy tell me that he doesn't get butterflies, but when he gets excited his face lights up with a big smile. I guess what it comes down to is that every human experiences emotions differently. I thought it was quite comical as I learned all of this because I had always thought that guys didn't have emotions unless the emotion was anger ... my bad. I guess I've always dated the wrong guys or maybe I just only see the negatives. Maybe it's time for another experiment.

Under the Full Moon

I have been so busy this weekend and I can't even believe I'm taking a time out to make a post. Last night and today I worked practically nonstop on my first book which actually looks as if it might turn into a novel. And to think I was scared of even clearing one hundred pages. Oh I've managed to clear that and I'm about to hit two hundred pages with nine chapters to go. I've written about ninety pages since yesterday evening and I'm still going. I would completely ditch class tomorrow if I didn't feel bad just for thinking of doing such a thing. Besides, I have an exam so I definitely can't miss that.

I could really use someone to read my two hundred page manuscript. None of my friends have volunteered. I don't blame them.

Memories and Wishes

I went to see my high school's football team play last night. That outing propelled me to miss the simplicity of it, even though I didn't think it was simple at the time. But really it was. All I had to do was graduate and not get into fights with the stupid preps (another high school problem: labels) for getting DUIs and DWIs and then bragging about it. Lame. But I do find high school boys more appealing than college boys. High school boys don't have as much to worry about unless they blow up the latest drama or sleep with their gf's best friend. I miss everything but that. If my favorite high school bf came back into my life right now ... I'd date him again in a heartbeat, but he doesn't know that (Joel).

Bridal shower today. Made me anxious to get my life in gear, but college is holding me back. Of course it's preparing me for the future but what is it doing for the here and now? Nothing. What a bummer.

Lovely Conspiracies

"The highest expression of love is the experience and realization of more – more of who you are, what you do, what you believe, and what you have." - (Not sure where I got it.)
I completely agree with this statement. Not many people understand how to even love someone/something, yet they claim they do. Love is unconditional and not judgemental or hateful. Love is about peace and companionship, but not heartache. How can we ever claim to have loved a person when that person gave us heartache? Love is joy, not sorrow. Love is everything good in this world and the next, yet this world doesn't view it as such. When love is experienced with malice and tears, it isn't really love. What happens to our souls when we are wrongfully loved, when we are loved with regret and pressure? It isn't really love, but the world says it is because you'll make up and everything will be just great. But in the deepest folds of your mind, you know it isn't really love.

Most of the things in our lives will never be exposed, although they should be. Even though I say that, there are still some things about myself, objects and people in my past, for which I will never expose. I view the world as one big secret, one big conspiracy. There is something I have been trying to figure out. Something… something I can’t seem to put my finger on. There’s this boy, you see. Actually, he is not just “this boy”, he is amazing, the most amazing boy throughout my entire life hands down. It is too bad he does not really exist because if he did ... it would be real love.

Dating Hinder

I discovered an amazing quote today which I posted as my "tag line". I am reading Freud's Interpretation of Dreams for Textual Analysis and the quote is actually in a foot note because he references it. I read it and a whole new world opened in front of my eyes. I knew the idea behind it prior to reading this quote but I had never come across the reason established so clearly. It is really great and absolutely true. We, as people, do not understand another person until we share a hardship with that person.

A battle has been going on in my head today about whether or not I want to start dating again. I haven't been on more than a second date since my most recent breakup which was a little over a year ago. I knew that partly it was because I was still emotionally attached to my ex because of how abrupt the relationship ended, but I'm not sure what is holding me back now. Do I want to say yes to a dating offer? Do I have the time to date? Will I be sacrificing what I love to date? Do I even have the emotional need to date? I don't think I do, but I want someone who cares for me in that way I just don't want to work to establish the platform. I just want it to happen. Geez, I'm retarded. Everything takes work, especially establishing such a relationship, but I'm not sure I'm willing to work to get there. At least not at this point in time. I'm much more content with working on my stories and reading the latest and greatest novel.
Which brings me to the fact that I don't blog about anything that actually matters, so that pretty much answers my own questions.

48 Hours

What was today ... National Ex Day?
Talk about a downer.

I went to advising today to figure out my schedule for the Spring semester. I have to say that coming out of my advisor's office left me in a wonderful mood that masked my not so wonderful mood. Drum roll please ... I only have 48 hours left before I can graduate. In other words, three more semesters! I was actually beginning to think that my journey through college would never end. Although I am planning to continue on to getting my Graduate Degree, but that is a lot different than being an Undergrad. For one, I'll finally get to be on my own and two, I'll be making my own money doing what I love doing. Cross your fingers.

Study group with people from Textual Analysis was highly commical and who knew that discussing Fredric Jameson would be so? I'm just glad that I have finally found some people who enjoy discussing literary works.

Richard Cypher awaits, so until tomorrow.

Latin Excellence and Dodging an Unwanted Bullet

First of all, and this is simply my opinion, but Medea was insane. Try comparing her to a modern day serial killer and see what happens. Not many people would kill their own brother AND children (plus several others). I wouldn't want her as my mommy.

So every MWF I have an 8AM class and each MWF I see the same couple on my way to said class. We park in the same parking lot so it's kind of inevitable, but really annoying for me. They are the typical high school outcast couple, but the catch is that they aren't in high school! Freshmen crossed my mind, but still. Anyway, the point is that every time I see them I have to try my best to hold in my breakfast. The guy always walks with his arm around the girl, which by the way I would never let a guy do; I'm sorry but I'm not something to possess. And then I always see them before class starts and the girl always has her head buried in the guy's chest and I can just imagine her saying, "Please don't make me go to class. How do I know I'll see you again?" Freakin' emo pussy needs to man up and quit being possessed and go to class so she can have a future because let me tell you something ... she is not going to have too bright of a future with this guy. That's for sure. But if she is really that worried about never seeing him again then she can just follow me around because I see him all the time. Seriously. Grow the fuck up.
[It's technically not that big of a deal, but it makes me sick.]

On the up side.
I made an A on my Latin exam. I was in complete shock because I could have sworn that I failed. Who knew?

There's this one guy in my Latin class who I'm assuming likes me and I do not like him. That always sucks because then he annoys the hell out of me. Too bad it's too late in the semester to sit on the other side of the room. He would totally call me out on it. So anyway, every time he walks behind me or sees me or anything he thumps me ... like some retard. Obviously it's his way of flirting but apparently he hasn't received the many signals I have sent back with big fat Xs on them. He's a nice guy and we have the same major and a similar aspiration (writing fantasy), but no thank you. I don't want someone who is so similar to me. How boring is that. So how in the world do I get out of this without being a bee-atch, without dropping the class, and without making up a fake boyfriend? If only I knew because I do not want to have the unwanted conversation with him.

Lastly.
I had to write an essay about Frederic Jameson and then compare his theories to a literary work so here it is if interested. Note: This is just the main idea, not the final draft.
Frederic Jameson is a devout Marxist which means that he follows the teachings and theories of Karl Marx. A Marxist begins to understand a literary work through the form of production of a specific period in time with the basis of understanding through the economics of the literary work. A Marxist feels that the economy structures a person, thus influencing the person’s interpretation of literature and how the person writes. Furthermore, a Marxist feels that a person must first understand Marxism to understand literature. Once that is accomplished, Jameson feels the person should put away what they know and access the period of thought in which the work was created. Jameson feels this way because to him history, as economic history, is the bottom line to understanding anything. To further understand a literary work, the Marxist methodology calls for the understanding of the political history to which the work refers, the social history, and the history of modes of production. Jameson also believes that no literary work is directly accessible without mediation and that no literary work is pure because it has always been viewed at an earlier time either through the person’s own ideas or the influence around the person.
In Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight, the political history, social history, and modes of production surround the Volturi. The Volturi are the largest coven of vampires and they act as the political figures of the vampire world because they are the oldest in existence. Their main job is to enforce the one main law which forbids any human of knowing that vampires exist. The Volturi fit into the story of Twilight not only because they are the political figures, but also because they have a social history with the main characters. Carlisle Cullen, a main character, lived with the Volturi for many years until he started his own coven. Another connection is that the Volturi want Edward and Alice, two other main characters, to join their coven because of their rare gifts. The Volturi’s modes of production are that they only enlist those who have special gifts of which they are in need. These special gifts are what make the Volturi the elite political figures of the vampire world.

Nothing Hitherto

Everyone needs an outlet and while writing serves as my choice outlet, it doesn't cover my personal feelings, only the feelings of my characters.

Realizing my true passion in life, I changed my major at the beginning of this semester to English. I figured why not pursue my only natural talent (however much of a talent it may be) and why not pursue being an author with the correct major - original major being Aerospace Engineering. Not a waste, but boring - helped my GPA though. Besides, having to study every second of every day just to get NASA to sign my paychecks wasn't helping my writing motivation. Now that I have done away with the aforementioned original major, my book has taken to the sky with massive wings.

Driving in my car to class the other week, listening to Disturbed's new Indestructible album, I had an epiphany. I know that some authors listen to music while writing because it gives them inspiration to write the most complicated of scenes (i.e. Meyer), but that doesn't work for me. On the contrary, I realized the story line of my aforementioned book closely follows Indestructible. Weird? No. Handy? Why, yes. Because of this grand epiphany I have been able to better develop my book, giving it a defined story line. No, my book does not coincide with Disturbed's personal picked track list, but to my own. Here is the new arrangement:

Perfect Insanity
Torn
Inside the Fire
Haunted
Facade
Deceiver
Indestructible
Divide
Night
Enough
Criminal
Curse

Now, I mentally cross my fingers that my finished book will be taken on for a possible publication and that Disturbed will like my renditions of their stupendous artistry.

Moving on.
I had a wicked awesome dream the other night. Driving to class the next morning, I found myself writing down the dream at stop lights or traffic jams. The scribbling continued through my entire first class - Literature of the Western World - and I missed most of the lecture on Medea. Although not a hard one to grasp from sparknotes if need be. The development I have made on the original dream has so far reached ten pages and I realize it could be another potential publication. I found myself considering the story line of Atwater-Rhodes' work Demon in My View. Could I possibly be a descendent of some mythical creature? I'll literally cross my fingers for that one. My reality is a drag, but the dream definitely wasn't. Here it is, if interested:

I could see her but I knew no one else could, even though no one else was around. She was walking down the middle of a deserted cobblestone rode lined on each side with Victorian houses that had steps leading up to each front door. She wore tight, dark copper jeans, a puffy red jacket with a hood that looked to be about three sizes too big, and she was barefoot. Her straight, brown hair hung to her shoulder blades. She was confused. She didn’t know where she was and she was trying to find someone who could see her. She kept scanning the houses on each side of her, looking for anyone that would or could help her. I was standing behind her. She hadn’t noticed me yet and I didn’t want her to, I just wanted to continue to look at her without her noticing. I took a step after her, my shoes scraping against the cobblestone, and she heard me. She looked backward in my direction, towards the sound, and I quickly swiveled my head around as if I was the one searching for something or someone, my body following the motion. She surveyed me with the question “Can he see me?” in her eyes, then decided I couldn’t and turned back around to continue walking up the road, searching. The entire time she was walking, me following, no one other than the two of us made themselves known. I didn’t know if anyone else was even around; the street was deserted and the houses were void of life. I continued walking slowly after her, careful not to drag my feet. I wondered why no one else was anywhere to be seen. I wondered why her jacket was so big and why she was barefoot. I wondered why I could see her. I couldn’t help but look at her and not just because I knew she was dead.

What would Freud think of that? Probably something sexual no doubt. Pervert.